Archives Index << About security, stability & peace

Don't we all want security, stability and peace? Yes, we do. Do we ever attain it? Some of us do. Does it feel wonderful, fulfilling, and all that? Yeah, sometimes it does. But what about that "other" feeling that creeps in, when everything is going smoothly? You know, what I mean, don't you? Yeah! Boredom. Fear, bordering on anxiety. The need to break out, the yearning for adventure, the feeling of having missed something along the way.

So, here I am at age 36, slightly feeling youth, looks, energy and all that start fading away. Depressed, almost. Who or what do I blame? Well, my partner of course. He's the only one around, and willing to take the time to listen to me. Is there something wrong with him? Is he doing something wrong? Is he not giving me security, stability and peace? Oh yes, he is. And he loves me. Way too much, sometimes, me thinks. So then why on earth, am I trying to run away and destroy what I have? What I asked for. Well, the final word isn't in on that yet. But I'm working on it. Here's what I can come up with so far:

1. Comfortable is nice, but boring. I seem to have to create chaos every so often, just to keep things interesting.
2. I'm not as content with the thought of getting old(er), as I thought I would be.
3. Receiving someone's unconditional love comes with a certain responsibility. To love back. To trust. To base ones own thoughts and actions on the consequences they will have on the other. And I seem to have a lot of trouble with that. Do I love him? I do. Do trust him? For the most part, yeah. Do I trust him, not to hurt me? Hell NO. And if it's up to me, I'll make sure, he can't get close enough to ever do so. Heck, I can do even better than that. I can be so pro-active, that I can make him leave now….just to get it done and over with! Then I can say, I was right, there is no such thing as stability (well, actually, there really ISN'T, it's a myth), but I can say, "I knew it wouldn't last". Rather self-destructive, no?. German heritage? Perhaps :)

So…let me try to sum it up here then: Because I don't ever want to be devastated again, I will just turn the tables, and initiate a dramatic break-up, whenever my own feelings get too close for comfort? Hmmm. So much for not having any issues, huh?

My partner Alan is the best thing, which has ever happened to me. In all and any respect. I have never met a person, whom I could get along with better than him. We work well together. We communicate. Sort of. He communicates. And actually manages to get through to me most of the time. We both have what some consider a bizarre outlook on things. We like the same things. We dislike the same things. We don't agree on everything, of course. That's because, he's just too stubborn to see things my way! <grin>

Since I'm still mulling over all this, I can only offer a temporary conclusion at this time. Security, stability and peace are what we crave. What we try and give to our children. And I suppose, if we consciously realize and accept that security, stability and peace are not exciting and adventurous, are not going to induce any adrenaline rushes, then perhaps even people like me could learn to appreciate and enjoy it :)

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